I was waiting for the train to take me to work the other day, and I saw something I thought I'd never see again. A creature long thought extinct. This creature once inhabited almost every town and city in most every part of the world. It was a common creature, seen everywhere from street corners and shopping malls to city parks and sports stadiums. Gradually over time, the creature disappeared and sightings became more fleeting each year. I was lucky I had my iPhone handy, and I was able to snap a picture of this rarest and elusive of creatures.
It was known worldwide by its common name, the payphone user. Latin name: Payphoneicus userasaurus.
If you're lucky enough to ever see one, definitely take a picture if you can. You'll be able to show the picture and tell your grandkids how you were one of the fortunate few to catch a glimpse of this quickly vanishing animal.
I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve come up with a way to cut our dependence on foreign oil and turn toward a more renewable source of energy. It’s a renewable energy whose potential is nearly limitless. An energy source that can provide heat and comfort and will never, ever wear out. It is none other than:
Dick Cheney, or better know as, The Dick.
The Dick is a virtually limitless supply of hot air. Don’t believe me? Tune into your local news this evening, or pick up a newspaper. You’ll find The Dick spewing hot air like Mount Etna spews lava! Why should we let all that hot air go unused? Especially when the nation is searching for a new and more efficient energy source. With The Dick, there will be no more need for home heating oil. Hot water heaters, obsolete. Clothes dryers, a thing of the past! The CTU (Cheney Thermal Unit) will replace the British Thermal Unit (BTU) as the standard in energy measurement. In the long, dark months of winter, we will all snuggle up, warm and toasty, safe and content in the warmth provided by the gas bag that is The Dick. And since the source of The Dick’s hot air is so deeply steeped in republican ideology, it’s cheap, too!
But how does The Dick work and put out so much gosh darned hot air, you may ask? Well, just as a solar panel’s energy output is proportionate to the amount of sunshine, or a wind turbine’s to the amount of wind, so is The Dick’s. In this case, the more democrats in the House and Senate, the longer a democrat occupies the White House, all of them working hard for the middle class and families everywhere, the hotter and more forceful the air is that The Dick emits. It’s just that simple.
And by the way, if you were worried about long term effects of using The Dick, don’t be. Using The Dick for you and your family’s heating needs is safe and reliable. There has not been one single documented case in extensive studies of any conversion to the Republican party from using The Dick. The longer we vote democratic, and the longer Democrats run the country, the less and less we will ever have to worry again about our heating needs. We’ll have The Dick!